Daily thoughts

I stop and think..
just about every day, about living alone..
I can't help it I guess since it's just pretty much in my face..
And I think back over the course of the last year, what could have been done
differently..on both our parts..
He could have been more honest from the beginning..
If he had I don't think I would be in the spot that I'm in right now.
Had I known he was married,
we wouldn't have ever even gone on the first date.
Not one..
I'm not saying i'm with out fault,
But all I asked for was honesty.

And all I got was a heartache.

Now of course, he wants to be that honest person
now that he lives in another state..
and has straightened out his life I guess.
Now he WANTS to marry me..
where was that 8 years ago???
Now he wants to live out HIS dream in another state..
it's not my dream tho..
why did it have to become such a nightmare for me
for him to have his dream.
I have to be low on sodium
for all the tears that have flowed over this man.

As we go along..

It's just funny..
not funny ha ha..
but funny strange to me.
When you are in a relationship, that is present..
and viewable to the outside world..
you are safe.
Safe to others as you are not a threat to their
own relationships..
Safe to yourself because you have someone to love
and the world knows it.
But when you are semi alone..
not quite sure if you are in a real relationship, altho
you feel in love,
it isn't visable to the outside world.
There isn't someone going with you to the grocery store..
there isn't someone snuggled up next to you on the couch..
there isn't that someone along for the ride..
you may talk to them 10 times a day..
you might think of them 100 times a day,
but they aren't here..
next to you and present.
So it may seem to the world that you are alone,
and they just leave you alone because they can I guess.
I just feel alone as far as my friends are concerned. even tho
in my heart I'm not..
It makes me think that moving south should be the answer..
I wouldn't be alone then..physically that is.
I don't know how to fix it, and maybe it doesn't need to be
fixed..
But where are you??

Ponder this...

There are actual affectable things..
and there are things that are just beyond your control..
Things that affect you can be close and far..
close is someone smiling at you just when you think no one is looking..
at the corner,
at the post office..
walking down the hall..
and what is beyond your control..
is just that..
and if they are ..
then how can they really affect you?
or do you just let them?
Do they just creep up on you from far away..
enter into your world with out your permission?
or do you let them in because you have no choice..